The holiday season can bring joy, connection, and rest, but it can also bring about pressure, financial stress, reminders of loss, grief, and unexpected emotional triggers. For many survivors, advocates, and community members, this time of year can feel complicated.
As we move through the winter months, we invite our community to center self-care and community care, not as buzzwords, but as real practices that help us sustain healing, safety, and connection.
Do You Practice Self-Care That Honors Your Capacity?
Self-care is most effective when it honors what you have to give, not what you think you’re “supposed” to do. It can look like the following actions or behaviors:
- Setting boundaries around your time, your emotional labor, and your mental energy.
- Resting without apology—whether that’s turning off notifications or taking a quiet moment to breathe.
- Connecting with grounding routines, like journaling, stretching, meditation, or simply stepping outside.
- Giving yourself permission to opt out of events, conversations, or traditions that don’t feel supportive.
Keeping these tools in mind, it is also important to remember that our needs are fluid, meaning that they may change from day to day. This might look like different forms of care or boundary-setting on different days, and that’s totally normal.
Self Care Is Important, and Community Care Strengthens Us All
Community care reminds us that none of us heals in isolation. In fact, more and more evidence asserts the power of relational healing, especially when one considers that harm often occurs relationally as well. Each of us has an individual opportunity to both give and receive care, and when folks with shared values and commitment to healing get together, beautiful things happen.
What can community care look like? The answer is, so many things! Here are a few to start pondering:
- Checking in with friends, family, coworkers, or advocates who may be carrying extra weight this season.
- Offering practical support, like sharing a meal, giving someone a ride, or helping with childcare.
- Naming harm when you see it, and creating space for survivors’ feelings without judgment.
- Practicing consent every day, from asking before hugging someone to ensuring shared plans work for everyone involved.
- Uplifting cultural practices of care, mutual aid, and collective rest that remind us care is a shared responsibility.
Something else to remember, especially since many of us already identify as caregivers and healers, is that acts of care don’t have to be big, they just have to be intentional.
On That Note…For Advocates and Service Providers
Advocates often hold the stories, emotions, and safety needs of others while navigating their own lives. During the holidays, this load can intensify on top of the pressure to take care of ourselves and be well. We encourage advocates to:
- Build supportive coverage and backup plans with your team.
- Take breaks during long shifts, especially on hotlines or hospital calls.
- Create your own plans, not just for safety, but for joy, rest, celebration, and for being in a community where you feel safe and seen.
- Debrief with supervisors or trusted peers
- Celebrate small wins and moments of connection
- Remember that you are part of the community you serve, and your wellbeing matters.
We understand that sustaining this movement requires sustaining the very people in it.
As We Move Forward Together
Care is practice, and each of us practices care for others and for survivors often. This work does not go unrecognized nor unseen, and your commitment to building communities where survivors are believed, supported, and surrounded by people who show up with tenderness and intention is the very commitment that is shaping a world where sexual violence doesn’t exist.
We hope this season offers moments of rest, joy, and connection in whatever ways feel right for you. And we remain here, alongside you, working toward a North Carolina, and a world, where all people can live free from violence.
This week many communities witnessed the targeting of immigrants and undocumented individuals. This harm deepens fear, limits access to safety, and places survivors at even greater risk.
To support local programs' commitment in continuing to serve all survivors, NCCASA has created an Immigrant Justice Resource Sheet to support advocates across North Carolina. This informal guide brings together legal, cultural, and community-based resources for immigrant survivors of sexual violence, including organizations that offer confidential support regardless of immigration status.
As policies and enforcement actions create new barriers, we remain committed to protecting the dignity, safety, and autonomy of survivors and to equipping our partners with the tools needed to respond with care, clarity, and justice.
If you would like direct TA related to this topic, please reach out to Jamilia ([email protected]) or Courtney ([email protected]).
At NCCASA’s Intertribal Gathering, participants and leaders across North Carolina came together to engage in a talking circle, which is a deeply intentional healing space where survivors and community members share their experiences with survivorship, both personal and within their communities. This space was not only a moment of storytelling, but an act of collective care, resilience, and truth-telling.
What Is a Native American Talking Circle? A Sacred Space for Shared Voice
A Native American talking circle is a traditional practice used by many Indigenous communities to promote healing, connection, and shared understanding. It is not a debate or a discussion—it is a sacred space for listening, truth-telling, and being in community.
In a talking circle, participants sit together in a circle to emphasize unity and equality—no one is placed above or below another. A symbolic item, often referred to as a talking piece (such as a feather, stone, or handmade item), is passed around. Whoever holds the talking piece has the opportunity to speak, while others listen without interrupting, judging, or planning a response. At the Inter-Tribal Gathering, a talking stick was used to give each participant the space and opportunity to share. Participants were then welcomed to share as much or as little as they wanted, ensuring that each and every voice was heard and included.
Values Guiding the Circle and Conversation
Talking circles are guided by core values deeply rooted in Indigenous teachings. The core values below guided the talking circle discussion, and the quotes are by current NCCASA interns who attended the talking circle and who are Public Health Students at Campbell University. A special thank you to them for sharing their experiences.
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- Respect for each person’s story, silence, and way of being.
- “There was a talking stick that was passed around to indicate whose turn it was to speak. You didn’t have to speak if you didn’t want to, you could pass around the stick, but each person had an opportunity to speak.”
- “Everyone was quiet while you were talking, there was no interrupting…”
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- Listening to understand, not to respond.
- “It felt like people were hearing me.”
- “Everyone was quiet while you were talking, there was no interrupting…”
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- Confidentiality and trust that what is shared in the circle remains in the circle.
- “Even if people didn’t have their own stories to share, they would often say things like “I hear you” and “thank you for sharing” to affirm each other’s experiences.”
- “Everything felt like it moved so naturally and I never felt uncomfortable sharing.”
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- Healing and building community through recognizing that harm and healing are both collective experiences.
- “The talking center was cathartic. We each had our own stories about how sexual assault affects us personally, and it was a great opportunity to be reminded that we are not alone. It was very special to have this space to do so and it was empowering.”
- “For those of us who shared, it felt like we were breaking down barriers.”
- “Being able to share together was a beautiful moment, especially because there were multiple generations of people in the room with shared experiences.”
Talking Circles in the Context of Survivorship
In the context of survivorship, talking circles are powerful tools for healing trauma, addressing societal stigma, and engaging communities in important conversations about preventing and addressing sexual violence. especially when facilitated by Indigenous leaders and carried out with cultural respect. They offer a space where survivors and community members can speak openly about pain, loss, resistance, and resilience while being seen and held by their community.
At NCCASA’s Intertribal Gathering, this tradition was honored through a POC- and Native-led talking circle, where elders and community leaders helped shape the space centering the value that “All Are Welcome.” The circle was supported by two licensed therapists, and a sensory room was made available to ensure participants’ emotional and physical safety.
NCCASA’s Prevention Education Program Manager, Omar Godwin, was intentional in implementing a safe and inclusive experience for all participants. Licensed clinical therapist, and Waccamaw Siouan Tribal member, Alicia Freeman, graciously offered to provide care for folks during the gathering and talking circle. Alicia also piloted a “sensory space” for participants, ensuring that there were various pathways for participants to access support and healing. Polly Cox, a Department of Public Health employee and member of the Lumbee Tribe, co-facilitated the space alongside Alicia, ensuring that there were committed and trained facilitators on deck. This process also showcased the power of cross-organizational collaboration, especially when the values of healing, cultural heritage, and inclusivity are at the center.
As we look towards the future, NCCASA is committed to continue listening to, including, and following in the leadership of Indigenous communities in the movement to end sexual violence. We are grateful to be in community with so many thought-leaders, advocates, and healers alike.
Honoring Latinx Hispanic Heritage Month: Celebrating Leaders in the Movement to End Sexual Violence
Each year from September 15th through October 15th, Latinx Hispanic Heritage Month is celebrated to uplift the histories, cultures, and contributions of Hispanic and Latinx communities. For us at NCCASA, this is also a time to reflect on the powerful leadership of Hispanic and Latinx advocates in our communities who are dedicated to advancing the movement to end sexual violence.
The challenge to create a world free of sexual violence is deeply intertwined with efforts for equity, cultural recognition and acceptance, and justice. Hispanic and Latinx advocates, educators, and community organizers have been at the forefront of this work, ensuring that prevention and healing efforts include the voices and experiences of their communities.
A Lifelong Advocate for Survivors: Rosie Hidalgo
This past May, NCCASA had the honor of hosting Rosie Hidalgo, a lifelong advocate and the former Director of the Office of Violence Against Women, at our Biennial Conference: The Power of Community.
Rosie Hidalgo has long been at the forefront of policy and advocacy efforts that center survivors’ needs—particularly survivors from marginalized and immigrant communities. Her work has been instrumental in ensuring access to trauma-informed, culturally responsive services for Latinx survivors of sexual violence and domestic violence.
As the daughter of immigrants, Rosie spent a total of 10 years as an adult living in three different countries in Latin America, including the Dominican Republic, where she helped establish and coordinate a community-based domestic violence prevention and intervention network and worked as a consultant for the World Bank on social services reforms.
Through her leadership in organizations such as Casa de Esperanza (now Esperanza United) and her time as a national policy advocate, Rosie has consistently fought for systemic reforms that uplift survivors’ voices. She has also played a key role in expanding funding and resources for community-based programs, recognizing that healing and prevention must be rooted in culture and community.
In more recent years from 2023 until January 2025, Rosie Hidalgo was appointed to serve as the Director of the Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) at the U.S. Department of Justice, where she continued to champion survivor-centered policies at the federal level. Her leadership reflects a deep commitment to ensuring that survivors—regardless of their immigration status, language, or background—can access the safety and support they deserve.
Currently Rosie is a Visiting Research Scholar in the Human Rights Program of the University of Miami School of Law. She also is a consultant serving as a Senior Advisor at the Battered Women’s Justice Project with the Re-Imagining CCR Initiative.
Monika and Rosie at NCCASA’s Biennial Conference
Rosie speaking at our Biennial Conference: Power of Community
The Power of Community-Centered Advocacy
Rosie is one of many powerful Latinx advocates working towards a world free of sexual violence. Across North Carolina and beyond, Hispanic and Latinx advocates are leading prevention programs, offering bilingual support services, and creating community-based responses that recognize the strengths and resilience of survivors. Additionally, their work significantly helps dismantle language and cultural barriers that too often prevent survivors from accessing support.
Final Considerations
As we celebrate Latinx Hispanic Heritage Month, we honor the advocates, survivors, and leaders who continue to push the movement to end violence forward. Their contributions remind us that the fight to end sexual violence must always be intersectional—recognizing how culture, language, power, and identity shape the experiences of survivors.
This month and every month, NCCASA commits to supporting Hispanic and Latinx leaders, listening to survivors, and ensuring that prevention and healing efforts reflect the richness and diversity of all communities in North Carolina.
September marks Suicide Prevention Month, a time to raise awareness, share resources, and reaffirm our commitment to creating supportive and thriving communities. As advocates we know that the experience of sexual assault can leave lasting impacts on mental health, including an increased risk of suicidal thoughts or behaviors.
Survivors and Suicidality
Sexual violence often disrupts a survivor’s sense of safety, trust, and belonging. As a result, survivors may experience depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress, as well as feelings of shame, self-blame, or isolation. Research suggests that survivors are significantly more likely than the general population to consider or attempt suicide, and this is because sexual violence itself is a risk factor for suicidal ideation.
Our Role As Advocates
Advocates and community responders can play a vital role in suicide prevention by:
- Actively listening with compassion – Survivors deserve space to be heard without judgment or dismissal.
- Affirming survivor experiences – Believing survivors and validating their feelings can help with feelings of isolation that increases the risk of suicidality.
- Connecting to resources and creating more access to protective factors – Whether it’s counseling, support groups, medical help and more, linking survivors to ongoing care is impactful.
- Communicate with care – Reminding survivors that healing is possible especially with support, and that their lives are valuable, can provide a powerful anchor in moments of despair.
In our interactions with survivors, we have a critical opportunity to reduce harm, address risks, and offer greater access to protective factors.
Next Steps for More Learning and Advocacy
This Suicide Prevention Month, we encourage advocates to continue growing their skills in supporting survivors experiencing suicidality. A helpful resource is Safe Helpline’s training: Suicide 101: Responding to Suicidal Ideation Among Survivors of Sexual Assault. This self-paced course offers practical tools for responding to suicidal ideation in the context of sexual violence and can help strengthen your confidence and preparedness in these difficult moments.
For more information about the intersection of sexual violence and suicidality, read this blog: What Puts Survivors at Increased Risk for Suicide and How to Help by Kyra Laughlin at the NSVRC.
Centering Our Wellness
At NCCASA, we know that advocacy work requires deep compassion, resilience, and a steady commitment to collective care. That’s why August’s National Wellness Month is a powerful reminder to intentionally and consistently care for ourselves.
As advocates, our nervous systems are often navigating high levels of stress, emotional labor, and exposure to trauma. While we can't eliminate every stressor, we can learn to regulate our nervous systems in small, sustainable ways.
This month, we invite you to take a breath, ground yourself, and explore the importance of nervous system regulation.
What is Nervous System Regulation?
Your nervous system helps your body respond to stress. If you're constantly in “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” mode, it can take a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health.
Nervous system regulation is the process of returning your body to a state of calm and safety. Building regulation into your daily routine can help you feel more grounded and resilient especially for engaging in trauma-informed work.
5 Everyday Tools for Nervous System Support
Here are a few simple, accessible practices you can incorporate into your day-to-day:
1. Bilateral Stimulation
This involves engaging both sides of your body to calm your brain. You can:
- Walk while swinging your arms
- Tap your shoulders or knees alternately
- Listen to audio that moves between the left and right ear (like in EMDR therapy)
Bilateral movement can help your brain process overwhelming emotions and settle into a sense of balance.
2. Orienting Back to the Present
Take 60 seconds to look around your space. Name:
- 5 things you see
- 4 things you can touch
- 3 things you hear
- 2 things you smell
- 1 thing you taste or are grateful for
This grounds you in the present and reminds your body that you're safe.
3. Vagus Nerve Activation
The vagus nerve plays a key role in calming the body. Try:
- Humming or singing
- Gargling water
- Taking long, slow exhales (try box breathing: inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4)
Even 1-2 minutes of intentional breathwork can shift your nervous system.
4. Co-Regulation
We are wired for connection. Being around safe, supportive people can help regulate your nervous system. This could look like:
- Calling a friend/loved one
- Sitting near someone you trust
- Petting or caring for an animal
- Making eye contact and smiling with someone you love
Community care is nervous system care.
5. Intentional Transitions for External Stressors
Build in mini-rituals to help your body shift between tasks. For example:
- Light a candle when logging off work
- Stretch before driving home
- Wash your hands with intention after a difficult conversation
These small acts signal to your body: “We’re moving on. We’re okay.”
Remember…
This month and every month, give yourself permission to care for your whole self—mind, body, and nervous system. Check in with what you need and make space for it without guilt. How we care for ourselves directly impacts how we care for each other.
You're not alone in this work, and your wellness is essential to the movement.
Looking for more tools?
Here’s a list of free and low-cost nervous system regulation resources:
Hi everyone,
We feel it too—this moment is heavy. Political shifts, social unrest, and the unrelenting pace of our work weigh on us all. NCCASA sees you: the advocates taking late-night hotline calls and meeting survivors at the hospital, the executive directors securing critical funding, the students organizing for change, and the leaders guiding their teams through uncertainty. Your resilience inspires us. But even the strongest need space to rest and renew.
Why This Work (and YOU) Matter
Every survivor who finds safety, every policy changed, every community educated—it happens because of *you*. In a world that often dismisses or politicizes trauma, your commitment is a radical act of hope. The movement leans on your courage, and we are profoundly grateful. Never doubt your impact.
Keeping Our Flame Lit: Practical Ways to Guard Against Burnout
- “Permission to Pause:” Your worth isn’t tied to productivity. Take that lunch break. Close your laptop at 5 p.m. when you can. Say without guilt.
- Connect Vent: Lean on your team, our Coalition, or peers. A quick call to debrief frustration can diffuse stress. You’re not alone—we’re an ecosystem of support.
- Micro-Restoration: Small moments add up. Walk outside, savor coffee mindfully, or blast a song that energizes you. Your nervous system needs these resets.
- Boundaries = Sustainability: It’s okay to mute the news or log off social media. Protect your emotional space—it’s not selfish, it’s strategic.
- Celebrate Tiny Wins: Solved a paperwork snag? Supported a colleague? Acknowledged your own effort? Celebrate it. Joy is fuel.
Our Commitment to You
We’re here to champion YOU—whether through training resources, policy and system advocacy, or just being a sounding board. Reach out if you need support strategizing workload, accessing wellness tools, or navigating systemic challenges. Your well-being is foundational to our mission.
Deep Gratitude, Always
To every one of you showing up, even on the hard days: thank you. Your labor is the heartbeat of this movement. When the climate feels overwhelming, remember the community standing with you—across campuses, agencies, and towns all over North Carolina. We’re in this together, and we protect each other.
Take a breath. Reach out if you’re struggling. And know: your work is sacred, and so are you.
With solidarity and respect,
NC Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Access this new resource on the difference between U & T Visas and recommendations for supporting your work with federal immigration changes.
Written by Witlee Ethan
TW: Suicidal Ideation, Sexual violence, violence
From the time I was a young girl, I’ve always had an empathetic heart towards victims of injustice. Wanting to do something to make a difference and help them in some way. Which became my life’s mission when I became a crime victim of physical and sexual assault, having also experienced different kinds of abuse throughout my life. Going from Victim to Survivor to becoming a Victim Advocate is no small feat and has been an arduous journey. Yet, I am the resilient advocate I am today because of everything I’ve experienced. The violent acts I endured on Jan 6, 2020, when I was held hostage (false imprisonment), physically assaulted, and repeatedly sexually assaulted, is what led me to write legislation, to protect others from the injustices I experienced. What I know now that I didn’t know then is that all the trauma, heartache, loss, grief, and pain I would go through would lead me to a purpose I never could have imagined.
In Jan 2020, when I went on a date with a guy from a dating site. I had no idea that date would completely turn my world upside down in the worst ways nor did I realize years later it would also impact legislative change. But there would be a lot I would have to walk through, survive, and overcome before I would accomplish what I have now. Because of the assault I’ve experienced mental health struggles leading to suicide ideation, I became pregnant from the assault and endured a traumatic miscarriage, and I’ve been cruelly mistreated by others because of being sexually assaulted. Plus, the stress from the trauma in the aftermath of the assault, has taken a toll on my physical health. Sexual assault impacts victims in every way.
Yet, if that wasn’t bad enough, on top of everything I’ve also been revictimized and further harmed by our judicial system, the police, the DA’s office, Atrium healthcare system, multi-million-dollar corporations, state licensing boards, attorneys, and by a private investigative firm. In the last five years, my perpetrator has yet to be brought to justice by either the Cornelius Police Dept or the DA’s office. The police haven’t done their job to properly investigate my case and because of their negligence, my case escalated to a “She Said, He Sued” case. Which allowed my perpetrator to legally sue me for defamation all because I turned him in for his crimes. Sadly, perpetrators have more rights than victims and survivors do. This retaliatory tactic used by abusers to weaponize the system against their victim in an attempt to silence them is known worldwide as “She Said He Sued”.
When I was sued by my rapist, I was forced to file bankruptcy to protect myself. My case ended up in Civil Court, Bankruptcy Court, and Federal District Court. In Civil Court cases the victims are listed as the defendant while the perpetrators have a powerful advantage over their vulnerable victims because of money and connections. Victims are not given a pro bono attorney nor are victim services or resources made available to them because the lawsuit is a civil case, not a criminal case. My perpetrator filed his lawsuit against me because the companies he worked for used me as a scapegoat, prioritizing profit over protecting people. I had turned in my perpetrator to his company North American Senior Benefits (NASB) which was acquired by Integrity Marketing Group, because he was conducting business while assaulting me. He got on a companywide call and muted it while he committed crimes. The companies first protected him but when they eventually fired him, they blamed me shifting the blame to the victim. What they did resulted in him filing his lawsuit against me. The unethical actions of these two companies caused me financial devastation. I didn’t just have to file bankruptcy, I also ended up in debt.
With my court case I had to advocate for myself including writing motions, filing motions, and representing myself pro se. I was in a very vulnerable position desperately needing help in my case and had reached out to over 100 attorneys. Unfortunately, the attorneys that were willing to represent me or give me legal advice caused more harm instead of helping. These attorneys jeopardized my case and didn’t follow the ethical standards of the state bar. One male attorney sexually harassed me and made sexually inappropriate comments about my case. This court case exposed a lot of injustices within our system. Including the Cornelius Police protecting my perpetrator by refusing to even bring him in for questioning and working with him instead of working to bring him to justice. During the settlement agreement negotiations that I was forced by the Court to attend with my perpetrator, he put stipulations in the agreement that protected the police. The mediator during mediation threatened that if I didn’t sign the settlement agreement that my perpetrator would go after my family. Which was a valid concern considering my perpetrator has AR15’s as well as other guns in his possession that the police refuse to investigate. Plus, he had hired Derecho Investigations and Security Consultants operated by former military and police personnel, to find me for him. Which they gave my perpetrator addresses for me and my family, endangering our safety. One of my biggest safety concerns regarding my perpetrator is that he is an insurance producer who is licensed across the nation and goes into his clients’ homes without them being aware of the crimes he’s committed. The state licensing boards won’t do anything to remove his licenses unless the police charge him, but the police refuse to hold him accountable in any way. So, for the last five years he’s been walking free and able to rape again.
Against all odds I won my case against him while representing myself pro se in Feb 2023. In the final case decision, the Judge stated that my perpetrator is a liar and made the settlement agreement moot. Which meant I was no longer silenced, and he was no longer protected. After this win he gave up his final 2 appeals, the case was over. This was a huge victory in so many ways. Every case sets a precedent, in my case the victim won over her abuser. But two months after this win in April 2023, Chief Baucom of the Cornelius Police Dept, closed my case letting me know that they did not consider all the evidence and some evidence would not be reviewed at all. I was also told that they would only re-open my case if another woman is raped. That was the moment that changed everything. In response to the police failing to protect people from rapists, and after our system has continued to fail me and other victims and survivors. On April 25, 2023, I wrote my bill.
Though I had never written a bill before, it was the first step towards creating change that I saw was needed from all the injustices that took place in the handling of my case. Change that would give victims and survivors justice, hold perpetrators accountable, and work towards preventing what happened to me from happening to anyone else. At this point I had already been in touch with the NCCASA and staff attorney Skye David regarding my story. On April 15, 2024, my bill was drafted in the House and over the next year me, Skye, and many Legislators would tirelessly lobby for this bill. On April 3, 2025, my bill on Sexual Assault Victim Rights part of HB 771: Criminal Law Procedures https://webservices.ncleg.gov/ViewBillDocument/2025/3703/0/DRH10350-SA-8) was introduced for the first time in the NCGA House of Representatives. I was able to speak on my bill before the J2 Committee on April 15, 2025, and after I spoke, I got to witness it passing unanimously and moving to Rules, which it passed on April 28, 2025. I was also there in the gallery on April 29, 2025, when it passed the House. After it passed with 111 votes to 3, the House Speaker announced, “ I have one more courtesy of the gallery that is part of the bill that the body just passed upon motion of Rep. Stevens, the Chair is happy to extend the courtesy of the gallery to Witlee Ethan who was an inspiration for portions of HB 771. At that point, Members of the House and those in the gallery proceeded to give me a standing ovation recognizing me for my advocacy and my contribution to the bill. It was a powerful moment for me as a woman, as a victim, a survivor, and victim advocate for others. Because as I said during my speech before the J2 Committee, “I was standing there representing every victim, every survivor, every woman, and standing up advocating for every child.” Exactly 2 years after I wrote my bill it passed the House and it happened during Sexual Assault Awareness Month. A moment in time I’ll never forget especially when victims and survivors are often silenced, dismissed, and disregarded, but in this moment before the NC House of Representatives we were seen and acknowledged. This fight for justice started out to hold my perpetrator accountable, but it became a mission to protect everyone. This bill has made crossover and is now in the Senate. The progress this bill has made is nothing short of a miracle and it truly is a monumental milestone.
I hope my story gives you hope and encourages you. No matter what you’ve endured, something good can still come from it. There is purpose in the pain. If I hadn't gone through what I went through, I never would have written this bill. Which can directly impact over 11 million people with the ability to help even more people. To the victims and survivors, you are not alone.
For more info on Witlee Ethan, please visit https://linktr.ee/LiveEachDayWithPurpose
Grief of the 81 percent
Written by Hannah Preston, MPH
TW: Suicidal Ideation, Sexual violence, Eating disorders
While I could share the graphic details of how I became part of that statistic, I'm going to focus on something arguably worse: the grief that follows from that day forward. After a sexual assault, there is so much to grieve, and this grief comes in stages. It feels different and changes over time. The grief feels like a thick layer of grime on your skin. It feels like shame, sadness, hopelessness, but regardless of how hard you scrub, cry, mourn, or yell, it never truly goes away.
This might sound odd to someone who has never experienced such a heinous act. Of course, the act itself is horrifying, but what makes the aftermath so difficult? The grief that you feel is all-consuming. It shows up in the body in unexpected ways. The pain is not confined to just that one day; it lingers every day afterward.
Grief for the past, present, and future
I grieve the person I was before my first sexual assault. I carry the grief of losing my sense of power. I grieve how easily it was for someone to take a part of me, to steal my power from me entirely.
I grieve what I wish I could have told my 19-year-old self after it first happened, to reassure her that it wasn’t her fault. I grieve for my 21-year-old self, wishing I could say to her that she should be allowed to go out with friends without the worry of being taken advantage of.
I grieve that I now have to look over my shoulder while walking down the street, and I hold my breath if I am alone in an elevator with a man. Before, I didn’t have to learn breathing exercises to help with panic attacks. Before, I didn’t see my abusers in every man I drove by on the road. Before, I wasn’t scared. I grieve the phone call I made to my dad when I had to let him know that I walk to a coffee shop every morning, just in case one day I don’t show up, so there would be someone who would know to look for me. I grieve the look on others’ faces when I tell them what happened to me. I grieve the adults and institutions that wrote off what happened to me. I grieve being part of the statistic. I hate that I am part of the 81 percent. Even more so, I hate that the statistic is 81 percent. I wish we all didn’t have this in common, and that more stories were far and few between.
Grief in the Body
Grief never shows up in the way you expect. You can go through all the therapy in the world, and then, unexpectedly, on a wonderful day, you find yourself right back to that attack. After my sexual assault, grief manifested in many ways—not just emotionally but physically as well. The trauma I experienced resulted in a PTSD diagnosis, as well as anxiety and depressive symptoms.
Grief after my encounters made me a shell of who I was. Looking back, I was so deeply depressed. I was in the middle of not wanting to be here, but not wanting to die either. Some days, the highlight and lowlight of my day would be getting out of bed to simply brush my teeth and change my clothes, because that’s all I would do in a day. I would spend the remainder of the day in bed.
Grief also affected my relationship with food. I went through cycles of eating, not eating, overeating, and then repeating these patterns. I would go through similar phases with alcohol, not drinking, social drinking, drinking every night, and repeat. I felt constantly on edge. In the beginning, whenever I went out in public, I would shake and tremble, continually scanning the room for the person who hurt me. For the first three years, I experienced vivid night terrors, which weren’t always about my assault. Sometimes, I would dream about a loved one dying in front of me, someone I couldn’t save, or about a natural disaster—each dream sharing a common theme: powerlessness.
This all caused me to do poorly in school. I was initially afraid to tell my program that I had just gotten into my dream graduate program, in my dream field. The trauma caused me to almost fail out of school, and I was placed on academic probation, which caused even more grief and shame. I had just gotten my dream program, and I felt so much shame to have let someone else cause trauma that resulted in my poor academic performance.
Managing Grief
It has been five years since my first sexual assault and two years since my second. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to managing grief, but I can tell you that today, I am the healthiest I have ever been. I didn’t think living a life like this, filled with hopefulness, healthy relationships, and a true sense of self, was possible after my sexual assaults. I didn’t get to the place I am today easily.
The first step was acknowledging that it happened. I didn’t want to believe it; it was too painful. But once I accepted the pain, I opened a door to process and heal. It was one of the hardest choices, but it was worth it. The journey to healing is complicated and emotionally taxing. But I promise you it is so worth it. A considerable part of this step is identifying your support system. You cannot do this work alone, and you shouldn’t have to. Find your safe places, your support systems who can help pick you up on the days that you want to waste away, people who can help you through your journey. I found my people through close friends, an incredible therapist, and trauma advocates at my university.
The second step was learning how to reset my nervous system. After such an event, you will be under constant stress, which causes your nervous system to be on high alert. Learning to regulate and reset your nervous system is crucial. I do this now through simple things like coloring before bed, and having a routine when I feel panic attacks coming on.
The other saving grace was therapy. I do not think I would be here today without my therapist. I was able to have a safe, neutral space to process what had happened to me. I did and continue to do various kinds of therapy. I do talk therapy, the most common kind of therapy, paired with EMDR and Brain Spotting. These types of therapy are not for everyone. But for me, I found EMDR and Brain spotting to be a way to process my most profound trauma in a way that no longer has me bawling on the floor in a panic attack. It completely dissolved my most jarring triggers around my trauma.
Grief is complicated, grief is unforgiving. Healing from trauma is challenging and complex. But know you are not alone in your journey.
